Great show last night! Seriously, props. Your new band’s first show was packed with friends, your significant other, your significant other’s friends, your significant other’s coworkers, and your drummer’s mom. Applause thundered upon the stage at the end of every song, even the one where you clearly played a G minor instead of G major.
But don’t get used to it. The sad truth is that the first show doesn’t count. A band’s debut gig is like a drug dealer’s first free offer of a hit. It gets you hooked, but nothing is as good as that first time. The Hard Times is here to help you accept your future of nearly empty gigs with 4 hard-to-swallow facts.
1. People only showed up out of a sense of obligation
Everyone in attendance was there to knock out the obligation quickly. Down the line, when you start inviting them to Halloween shows and brewery brunch gigs, they can confidently ignore your text while whispering “I already saw them a few years back. I’m good til like 2028.”
2. The few people who missed out aren’t showing up anytime soon
Some people had genuine excuses for missing show #1. But now that you’re clearly in for the long haul, they can wait until the absolutely most convenient gig to attend. It could be years down the line; don’t hold your breath. There’s no telling what will happen first: the stragglers showing up or the heat death of the universe.
3. The longer your band lasts, the more you smell like shit
Speaking of holding your breath, your rehearsal space smells like shit. Your bassist smells like shit. And I hate to break it to you, but you now smell like shit. The stench travels through osmosis of musician to musician. But now no civilians want to be in your physical presence because you smell like rotting butthole. So good luck getting someone to come to your Thursday night sulphur fest.
4. Your bandmates’ personalities are also repugnant
As if smelling like mustard-yellow dogshit wasn’t enough, don’t forget that your bandmates lack nearly all social graces. If the smell didn’t turn potential audience members away, their standoffish nature and weirdly mean jokes will. And unlike the reeking of turds, a shower can’t fix this. Time to start doing TikTok dances.