You are God’s chosen music listener. He wanted you to experience music, sounds, and even life itself at a greater magnitude than the plebeians who surround you. Your brain lights up with beautiful illuminations whenever an Animal Collective synth or a Papa Roach down-tuned guitar tickles your eardrums. The wallpaper of your mind’s eye changes to green whenever you see the number 3 somewhere. Holy fuck, you are special: you have synesthesia.
But the un-evolved pieces of shit around you exist in a monochrome hell of drab music consumption. They will never, ever understand what they’re missing out on, so don’t even try to explain it. Even if you could describe it sufficiently, they would only feel bad and you would forever ruin music and sound for them. So, here are some tips for shutting the fuck up about your divinely-chosen gift.
1. Carry Earplugs
Keep earplugs with you at all times. You never know when a Huey Lewis tune will be pumped over a cafe stereo or a 1994 Ford Ranger will drive past while blasting Merle Haggard, thus triggering your beautiful mental kaleidoscope. It will only be a matter of time before you are compelled to tell a friend, loved one, or stranger about your enhanced perception.
2. Apply for Disability Plates
While we synesthetes know that our gift is indeed a strength, in real-world practice it affects us similarly as common disabilities do. By parking closer to your destination, you are decreasing the odds of those beautiful mental fireworks which remind you how much better you are than everyone else.
3. Only Interact With Fellow Synesthetes
The others will just never get it. They have rabbit ear antennas watching The Roy Rogers Show while you’re streaming 4K Wes Anderson movies. You could describe the gift as accurately as humanly possible, and they’ll always just respond with a shrug and a “Oh, cool.” You don’t need these human slugs weighing you down. Banish them, shun them, and join us at the meetup where we sit at the philharmonic orchestra and orgasm repeatedly.
4. Join The X-Men
While using your evolved gifts to crush and conquer the lower humanoids currently running the planet is tempting, its irresponsible. Instead, team up with the likes of Wolverine, Jean Grey, and Professor Charles Xavier to build a better world for the exceptional and the normies alike. They could really use someone to tell them how green and swirly Imagine Dragons is. Plus you’ll get a cool new name like Soundsighter!