If you grew up in the 90s, you no doubt remember watching the music video for Soul Asylum’s 1993 hit “Runaway Train” wherein photos of dozens of actual missing children were displayed on screen. The band had partnered with the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children (NCMEC) for the video, and some of the featured children ended up reuniting with their families as a direct result. It’s exceedingly rare that such a positive outcome can be had from a piece of music, so the still-together Soul Asylum has decided to let it ride and release a new video. Hopefully, this results in even more reunions, but for now let’s focus on the kids who didn’t make the cut!
Ronald Deborski (12 years old, Exeter, New Hampshire)
This spoiled little shit ran off mid-hissy fit because his parents purchased him a regular Nintendo Switch for Christmas instead of a “Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom” Edition. From what we were able to gather during our cursory research with Ronald’s friends and loved ones, this kid was a total nightmare who got everything he wanted from his parents and enjoyed spending his time tormenting smaller kids at his private school. Honestly, there are a lot of missing pre-teens out there who are much more deserving of being located with the help of a music video, so we’re probably better off knowing that the band has decided not to assist with this one.
Brendan Crenshaw (14 years old, Spokane, Washington)
OK, this kid made your average bully from a Stephen King novel look like Bernie Sanders by comparison. We’re not going to go into detail about the stories we heard from his now relieved classmates, but it’s definitely a net positive for his community if he’s been institutionalized somewhere like Henry Bowers from “It”. We’re pretty sure even Brendan’s parents are in agreement here, so let’s let sleeping dogs lie and not contract Soul Asylum for their help in finding him. We’re actually starting to think they really did their homework here, and we’re just wasting our time and yours by listing these nightmare children.
Lori Haverbrook (14 years old, Lincoln, Nebraska)
Jesus Christ, this girl killed a bunch of dogs. She killed people’s dogs. Countless sources throughout Lincoln confirmed this. In fact, she was run out of town by an angry mob of townspeople that included her own parents. Soul Asylum is doing the right thing here. This kid is an irredeemable demon-spawn who is completely unworthy of returning home through her appearance in an alternative music video. In fact, if you’re in one of the communities that surrounds Lincoln and you see Lori, lock yourself in your house with your dog and call the police. For the love of God, do not attempt to make contact with her.
Neil Corbin (13 years old, Hialeah, Florida)
Ugh, we still have one more after this? Yes, Neil is missing. No, that’s not a bad thing. Have you seen “Adolescence” on Netflix? That’s nothing compared to what Neil did, and no, we’re not going to go into details. At least that kid had the excuse of having been completely corrupted by the Internet, but Neil’s parents didn’t even grant him access. They rightly thought it would make him worse, as if that could even be possible. Trust us: just appreciate the new Soul Asylum video when it comes out and don’t trouble yourself with a single concerned thought about Neil.
Damien Thorn (12 years old, Chicago, Illinois)
Honestly, we’re kind of confused that the band decided to pass on including Damien in their music video. From the conversations we’ve had with his family and the faculty at his academy, Damien is a bright, natural leader with a spotless behavioral record. Strangely, nobody we talked to seemed particularly phased by Damien’s disappearance, and some even gave us knowing smiles while saying something like “the infernal plan will surely come to fruition with our beloved Damien.” We’re not sure what that’s all about, but we implore Soul Asylum to reconsider their decision so we can return this future President to his Lincoln Park mansion.
There you have it. With the exception of #5, Soul Asylum is doing a bang-up job with their winnowing down of potentials to star in their new single. Stay tuned for our upcoming list of kids who didn’t make the cut to be the tap dancing kid in the next Blind Melon music video!