Tax Day is upon us, and while it has never been popular (unless you’re getting money back, you lucky bastards) this year it is especially contentious. With it being more obvious this country is being run by a bunch of yahoos who want to fuck around on our dime, it’s hard to tell where exactly 40% of our paychecks are going and if we’ll ever benefit from it.
In a rare show of transparency and honesty though, the IRS has announced all U.S. citizens will have the option to choose whether their tax payments will line the pockets of our nation’s wealthiest CEOs, or have the money fuel the nation’s genocidal foreign campaigns.
“Let’s be real, we were never going to get around replacing lead pipes and fixing all the dilapidated bridges. So the goons at DOGE figured this transparency effort will not only inform the public how their tax dollars are being utilized but allow them to choose between the only two things the government cares about funding,” said IRS agent Grant Smith. “I mean the Fed was going to blow it all on tax breaks for millionaires and missiles anyway, but at least now we can put the blame squarely on the American people since we’re putting the onus on them.”
For those of you who are real sticklers about how your money is being spent, fear not, unless you’re poor or live in the Middle East! The IRS will provide all citizens with Form 69-420 (Elon’s idea, obviously) where you can write in specifically which CEO’s yacht you’d like to subsidize or a specific country you’d like to see subjugated by the military in order to extract their rare minerals. It’s a win/win, especially if you’re heavily invested in Lockheed Martin.
“Before everyone starts bitching,” Smith added, “each year we’re going to swap out which ruling class entity people want to fund. So far we’re thinking of either President Trump crypto coin or wiping out remote villages in Africa for their rare earth minerals for 2026.”
Of course, anyone opposed to abetting homicidal oligarchs need not worry, as the IRS has been working directly with TurboTax to automatically yank money out of those individuals’ bank accounts and make the decision for them! Whichever way you look at it, there’s no doubt that this is all completely fucked up. But hey, we finally have our answer as to where the United States priorities are at.