I don’t mean to come off as preachy or superior, but I’ve always felt sorry for people who need to consume a substance to have a good time. It’s 4/20, and around the country, people are “celebrating” by getting “high” on a psychoactive chemical that sedates them and distorts their sense of reality, it’s sad. Me, I make my own good time. Yes sir, raining on other people’s parades by reminding them that today is actually Hitler’s birthday and the anniversary of the Columbine shooting is all the high I’ve ever needed.
It really saddens me that the youth of today think they need cannabis to cope when all you need to do is bum someone else the fuck out. They’ll never know the charge you can get out of harshing a stoner’s proverbial mellow, and it’s a tragedy. Enjoy your fleeting high, I’ll be making memories of ruining other people’s day that will last me a goddamn lifetime.
Life is so much richer when you make other people’s lives so much poorer. I’ll never forget 4/20/2017. I was at my usual coffee shop being waited on by the barista who still wore hemp jewelry for some reason. As she handed me my Americano she apologized for being “a little slow today,” and confided in me that she had eaten an edible that morning “to celebrate the holiday.” Evidently she trusted me not to narc on her, and I didn’t. What I did do was fire back “Oh, you mean HITLER’S BIRTHDAY? Cause that’s what today is!” I watched light leave her eyes, watched shame slowly wash over her face. She lost something in that moment, and you know where that something went? Right to me baby. Right to the goddamn king.
You know what she said? “I never even thought about Hitler having a birthday.” How fucking priceless is that?!
I had to work on 4/20 last year, but it didn’t slow my roll one bit. When my coworker made the mistake of small-talking me with “Bro, I can’t wait to get out of here and go celebrate with my bong!” I shot back “Wow Jeff, it’s pretty fucked up of you to celebrate Columbine like that, a lot of kids died.” As he desperately tried to backpedal I just walked away grinning ear to ear.
Oh, you think you’re safe from my bullshit? You’ve heard the Hitler/Columbine thing a million times? You’ve come to terms with it, have you? What about the Nicoll Highway collapse? What about the Deepwater Horizon oil spill, fuckface? There are only so many days in a year and bad shit happens on every one of them, I’ve got a million of these. Guess what, my grandmother died on 4/20. Tell me I’m lying, I fucking dare you.
This year 4/20 falls on Easter, and boy is my family in for it. When me and my cousins go for our “walk” I’m hitting them with every depressing 4/20 factoid I’ve got and a big heaping helping of “Here we are celebrating Easter when Christianity has killed more people than all wars combined” for dessert, all while Bogarting their precious joint. Oh, I do smoke. I just don’t NEED IT like you LOSERS!