Finally! Some justice for the working class! I’ll admit, I had my doubts about sports betting site Kalshi after I lost $3000 in my Hawk-Tuah-Coin-Pump-And-Dump-Scandal-Same-Day-As-Jeff-Probst-Rapping-About-The-Applebees-Bourbon-Burger-On-Survivor-48 Parlay last year, but they more than made up for it when they announced we could begin placing wagers on the Iranian war. Now, me and all my fellow Scooter’s Jungle employees can make some dough on this violent geopolitical conflict.
The biggest issue with earning revenue from children dying has always been how inaccessible it is. Plumbers, teachers, improv coaches…these careers have historically been gatekept from financially benefiting from the bombing of hospitals. But Kalshi, as Marx dreamed, is transferring blood money out of bourgeois control and into the noble, calloused hands of craftsmen.
It’s like if Robin Hood’s Merry Men utilized Amazon Web Services for cloud-native infrastructure to sidestep lawsuits on war crimes. Or if John Henry believed in an Apartheid-like seizure of other countries. My ex-girlfriend Chelsea said there’s a cruel irony to that second one, but I don’t know why. Scorpios, am I right?
Bob Dylan once sang: ‘Come you masters of war/You that build the big guns/You that build the death planes…’ but his voice sounded like shit, so I turned it off and put on Korn instead. If the blockades last long enough, I’ll even have enough cash to buy a signed lyric sheet from them on Autographia! That way, when my daughter Hortha (named after her maternal grandmother Bertha and paternal grandfather Horace) grows up, she’ll think “Daddy prayed every night that western imperialists would annihilate the Strait of Hormuz so I could see what Brian Welch’s signature looked like. And here it is! He even did the little backwards R—like the band!”
