Pardon me, sir! Yeah I’m talking to you pal, roll your damn window down. I couldn’t help but notice you puttering along the highway like a student driver, so if you’d do me a favor and permanently get the fuck out of my way it would be appreciated.
Whoa buddy, no need to take it personally! Don’t assume that because I”m from New Jersey that I drive like a reckless asshole by default, but as it so happens I my speedometer never drops below 110 miles per hour on the Turnpike.
Yes, the stereotype about our driving is as common as complaining about the smell by the airport on the very same Turnpike, but we do put the pedal to the floor to get away from it as quickly as possible. I can’t be crazy if everyone else is doing it.
I can’t help but be pissed off as soon as I hit the road and see my astronomical property taxes paying six construction guys to watch one guy dig a hole. If anything, it’s my right to do a buck ten down any road I please and yes I am including school zones. That’s what we have crossing guards for!
If you grew up here you’d understand. As soon as I-95 turns into the Turnpike, we get spitroasted by dumbasses from Pennsylvania AND New York who’ve no idea where they’re going. If you don’t want to end up in a guardrail you should educate yourself on aggressive driving. The NJ driver’s license test covers all of that.
What can I say, driving like I’m trying to obtain liftoff is in my DNA. I’m sure you’re wondering “But Ben, do you still drive like a dickhead outside of New Jersey?” You’re goddamn right I do. It’s not my fault you schmucks take your sweet time driving little Timmy to soccer practice or whatever people do when not driving to the shore or picking up deli meats. I have places to be and meats to eat, and I will not hesitate to break the land speed record.
I hope that makes sense because I’m not going to repeat it twice. Enjoy your stay in our lovely state—what do you mean our jughandles turns are stupid? That’s it, I’m done being nice. Get the fuck out of the car so I can beat your ass properly.