People always told me to dance like no one was watching. To sing like nobody’s listening. But it turns out those people were assholes because I tried to take their advice and people fucking hated me. I’ve never been so humiliated and now I fear for my safety.
I’m usually a wallflower. But after a couple of stiff drinks at the local piano bar, I tried to come out of my shell and it was the worst mistake I’ve ever made. I’ve never seen so many horrified faces. Their disgust turned to anger, their anger turned to hatred, and that’s when the name calling started.
At first it was just a few of them laughing and asking if I was ok. I told them “I’m just trying to groove” and that made things worse. They called me things like “Pig Fucker,” “Chode Chugger,” and “the biggest mistake my parents ever made.” It really seemed like a personal vendetta all because of my moves.
I just kept trying to move my arms rhythmically while pumping up my knees. That’s all I remember, the rest of my dancing was a blur of sweat, nervousness, and head bobs. Then things started to get physical. Someone threw a rotten tomato at me. Then a person threw a folding chair that really messed my knee up.
I kept trying to dance. One child who was there pointed at me and started crying before burying his face in his mother’s breast. I think someone threw up. It was the most embarrassing moment of my life up to that point.
Eventually a large man assembled what I can only describe as a posse of do-gooders who all dragged me off the dance floor. One sat me down and told me in no uncertain terms that if I got back up there he would break my fucking legs if I tried to do that again.
Somehow my dance moves offended everyone in both personal and cultural ways. I united the entire bar in hatred against me like Ozymandias from “Watchmen.” In my sad state I looked for the friend who I had come with, who had encouraged me to dance in the first place. When I found them, they denied me, as Peter denied Christ.
One thing I learned from this harrowing experience is that I’ll never even attempt to make my own kind of music.