I can tell by your reaction that you seem to think this is cute. It’s not fucking cute. I don’t think you’re seeing the reality of this situation at all. Let me lay it out for you.
When I heard commotion downstairs on Christmas Eve, I decided to check it out, thinking it was a burglar or something. I brought my baseball bat with me because I’ve always wanted to beat up a bad guy with a baseball bat. Imagine my surprise to find my Dad in a Santa suit, loading presents under the tree. Yeah, I thought it was kinda cute at first too, even though I’m way too old for this kind of gimmick.
Then it hit me — wait a second, he doesn’t know I’m watching him from the top of the stairs right now, why did he bother with the suit? That’s when Mom came in. Mom, in her red, white fur-trimmed nighty and matching fishnet stockings. Yeah. Not so cute now, huh fucker?
They got into it right away. “Oh, Santa! Have I been good this year? Tehe!” “Why, as a matter of fact, young lady, Santa thinks you’ve been very, very naughty, hohoho!” “Oh, pwease mistur Santa Cwaus, there must be something I can do to get a pweasent!” “Well, why don’t you start by giving Ole’ St. Nick a little sugar?”
Now, when I say they started kissing, you’re probably thinking some cute, Norman Rockwell/Hallmark little Christmas smooch, yeah? Wrong. This was the most hardcore make-out I have ever seen! They were on each other like animals! Then, I went to go back to my room, where it’s quiet, and safe, and the stair creaked! I know they heard it because the disgusting sucking sounds stopped immediately. They were worried I was getting up and I was worried about them knowing what I saw so the three of us just sat there in silence a minute. After a while they went back at it and I knew there was no escape, so I just closed my eyes, covered my ears and tried to be somewhere else.
It was not their first time doing this, that much I’m sure of. They definitely do this kind of thing a lot, and I know that forever now, and I’m 12. Long road ahead. Long, therapy-filled road.
Christmas morning was has been the most traumatizing event of my entire life, and while I’m still young, I really don’t see anything topping this. Maybe if I hadn’t seen what I saw I would be too distracted by presents to notice their non-stop innuendo, but I did see, and they were fucking rellentless. “I can’t believe big ole’ Santa fit all the way up my chimney last night!” “Saint Nick sure got his milk and cookies this year!” “You weren’t the only one to get a candy cane in their stocking last night son!” Those are just the ones I’m not actively blocking out! These people are fucking disgusting.
Welp, that’s a wrap on Christmas forever as far as I’m conserned. Used to be my favorite holiday, now I hate it. I guess I’ll just be a Halloween guy now, I still love Halloween. Every year my Mom dresses up like Velma and my Dad dresses up like Scooby and… Oh. Oh God. Oh God no.
