Like most punk-positive parents, you probably thought it was safe to slow down and start a family when festival founder Kevin Lyman declared that the Vans Warped Tour would come to an end after 2018. But now, like the tell-tale heart beating through high-output line array speakers, the backdrop of your worst public decisions keeps thumping its way back from the grave.
Now that your little darlings are getting old enough to use social media behind your back at a friend’s house, here are some tips on providing them with helpful context about your last 30 years of questionable decisions at Warped Tour.
Remind them you’re a human, complete with hopes and dreams
Sure, it’s unfortunate that a tour photographer captured the moment you stole a BMX bike under the influence of alcohol and slid down the Vans Vert Ramp on your face. On the bright side, you’ve given yourself an opportunity to reintroduce yourself to your kids, not as a parent, but as a real person who yearns for greatness, whether or not you were willing to learn an actual skill during the pursuit.
As a bonus, this is a fantastic time to re-emphasize the importance of helmets.
Explain that music is for everyone
What may appear to some as your careless decision to stage dive in front of Avril Lavigne into a crowd of unsuspecting tweens can also serve as an important reminder that everyone deserves the full live music experience. What kind of grown adult would you be if you refused to take your fellow fans seriously?
Nevertheless, if it comes up that you dusted yourself off and immediately tried to start a mosh pit, it might be best to warn the kids about the challenges of making good choices with heat exhaustion.
Demonstrate your awareness of social issues
While you can’t take back the moment a friend snapped away with a digital camera while you spewed funnel cake in front of the world hunger outreach tent, you can lead a discussion highlighting the plights of others and learning about situations very different from your own. This is also a great catch-all if they learn about the time Uncle Mark freaked out at the overdose awareness booth because he had accepted mushrooms from a stranger.
Set aside the minor detail that, in both of these cases, you were just on your way to the bathrooms with the shorter lines.
Be willing to own your mistakes
Admittedly, some choices can’t be explained away, like the time a marketing team captured you at Sponsor Village signing up for a new Chase credit card in the middle of Warped Tour, which, of course, made its way into brochures and advertising materials worldwide. If there is any silver lining to a blunder like this, it’s that guiding children away from mistakes of their own sometimes requires that we have a wealth of experience with legendary fuck-ups and consequences to draw from in conversation.
The children may scream at you, cry, and express a sense of betrayal over the perfect parent image you’ve cultivated over the years. Listen to your kids. Help them feel that their concerns are valid. They are valid. You blew it.
Know when to bring in the experts
If you find yourself in over your head, or you feel you may benefit from a knowledgeable third party, don’t hesitate to call in a specialist. There are still many living attendees of Woodstock ‘99 who committed atrocities we would hesitate to believe, but for surviving archival footage, some of whom even became productive members of society. Engaging with these experts may be just the Scared Straight moment you need to bring the whole family together.
