There’s an old saying: many a man doth take his lord for a fool, but he who mocks his lord works hard, and he who fools his lord, works long. Okay, that’s not actually a saying, but it should be. This is as much as to say, unfortunately, your boss’s plight is your own. And there comes a point in every boss’s career when they begin complaining to subordinates about their home renovation delays. We’re not totally sure why. We know it has to do with a general sense of ennui and dissatisfaction in lifestyle, work, and partnerships that they believe can be remedied by privacy hedges and rain shower heads. Nevertheless, these remodels always get delayed which allows your boss to become the victim in their own life. And your life will become a lot easier when you join in to lament their asinine problems and praise their personal sacrifice as they undergo hardship in this unrelenting world that only affects them.
Repress thoughts, feelings, dialogue…
The most important thing is that your boss hears themselves talk as they fixate on their beleaguered state, subjected to await completion of their wife’s Pinterest board carried out by underpaid highly-skilled laborers. You might not even know what a louvered pergola is or why an entire staircase needs to be moved to make way for a particular light fixture, but this is not a time to ask questions. In fact, what you say seldom matters. What you don’t say matters much more. This is no time to tell them your thoughts on the housing crisis or why private property ownership is the root of injustice and the foundation of self-alientation. Bite your tongue. Literally bite it if you have to. Bite it until it bleeds, but do not under any circumstances share anything that conflicts with or invalidates their “suffering.”
Imagine they live with monsters
You might wonder why your boss spends so much time complaining to you when they could be doing frankly anything else. You must remember that any time they spend at work bemoaning the lack of plunge pool in their yard or heated tiles in their bathroom is time they’d otherwise be forced to spend with their families. So it’s best to imagine their family as sadistic, blood-sucking humanoid monsters. Yes, even his four-year-old daughter. Imagine she’s a shapeshifting snake and you’ll find it less arduous to pity their plight being sequestered with such demons.
Treat their enemies as your enemies
You’ll hear them bring up the same names ad nauseum—usually a contractor or interior designer. These people are fair game, so feel free to bully them or use them as an object of ridicule. A good bet is to roll your eyes any time they’re brought up and scoff in a way that suggests, “I can’t believe this person is in charge or tying their own shoes, much less designing a home.” Really lay it on. Projecting arbitrary blame onto a third party is a great way to make your boss feel closer to you and gain their trust that you “get it.”
Let it fuel your murder fantasies
Sure it can be hard not to reflect on the time you were told to “hang in there” when you asked for a marginal raise to afford rent in your studio apartment while they rattle on about new travertine floors or knocking down original architecture for an open-concept hellscape. But reframe that thinking as fodder for revenge fantasies that help you sleep at night. For instance, think of the space that will open up for you to choke your boss with your bare hands and watch him gasp for his last breath before falling limp on his new Tuscan-inspired flooring. See? Now it’s fun!
With practice, you’ll master the art of suppressing every authentic thing about your lived experience to create a safe environment for your boss’s navel-gazing woes. Eventually, it’ll become so routine, you’ll stop seeing it as emblematic of the inequities in income distribution and limitless consumption generated by late-stage capitalism. And once you’ve finally succumbed, that’s when you’ll be up for a promotion!