Oh lord, what have I done? I detoxed, got into therapy, and resisted my triggers. I thought I could at least enjoy one non-alcoholic beer. Alas, the moment that sweet amber liquid hit my lips, the alluring pull of my one true God brought me to my knees. Not in prayer, but in worship of the forbidden nectar I’ve been craving.
It’s the beer company’s fault. The last thing you should do is ask a recovering alcoholic to hold your drink because it reminds them of drinking and can trigger a relapse. So who the fuck thought it would be a good idea to go around selling a trigger in a bottle to recovering alcoholics?!
Seriously, these beer companies must have done this on purpose. I used to wonder why people even made non-alcoholic beer. Now it’s clear to me. Non-alcoholic beer exists to remind people how much they love alcoholic beer. And we should start calling it “alcoholic beer” because it’s really the beer’s fault when you think about it. I don’t have a problem. It’s the beer that’s an alcoholic.
I’m doing everything I can to not go to the store and get some of the real stuff. The taste reminds me of fun. The smell reminds me of partying. Plus, there are no hangovers! You’d think that’d be a good thing, but this is all just non-alcoholic beer’s plan to only remind me of the good times I shared with alcohol. It’s just like my drunk ex.
I just keep drinking non-alcoholic beer to stave off the cravings. The worst part is now I’m spending more money on fake booze just to stop myself from relapsing. I’m about to start sucking dick for O’Douls at this point.
I tried calling my sponsor but he’s hooked on the same stuff I am!