Around here, we’re suckers for a feel-good story, but this one really got the waterworks going for us. Dogs may be man’s best friends, but did you know that they’re all the protectors of kids too?
Well, Tummers, a 5-year-old Golden Retriever from Eugene, Oregon sure is! He rescued three kids from a pack of wild hogs who had gotten loose in their yard, and so in return, we let him just go to town and savage one of those kids after getting a taste for violence and hog-blood!
You earned it, Tummers!
Eyewitnesses report that about a dozen wild hogs had broken free of a fierce battle with the local packs of turkeys that roam that streets of Eugene, retreating from the numerically greater force of dinosaur-like birds.
Soon enough, those dumb hogs found themselves what they thought would be an easier target: the Kellerman children, Jack (13), Jennifer (11), and little Tommy (9), who were playing with Tummers in their frontyard. Bad move, wild hogs!
Try sticking to attacking Shakira next time!
While some nearby cowards claim that the wild hogs were already exhausted by their turkey streetfight, we choose to believe that Tummers’ awe-inspiring devotion to the Kellermans is what gave him the strength to kill six porcine intruders and drive off the rest. Way to go, buddy!
The Kellerman children were scared and have unquestionably been forever scarred by the sight of Tummers soaked in the blood of his enemies, but that goofball of a Golden Retriever saved them, alright!
After Tummers was given a good bath (he hated that, sorry, pooch!), the Eugene City Council gave the brave dog exactly what he deserved: a medal of commendation to wear on his collar and whichever Kellerman child he chose to bite the shit out of!
The audience in attendance were unsurprised that Tummers chose to launch his bloodthirsty attack at little Tommy, who is not well liked by neighbors. He sucks.
Now that Tummers has tasted the pain, fear, and blood of both man and pig, nothing can stop him! Keep this up buddy and you’ll get to maul the entire Kellerman clan!
Who’s a good boy? You are, Tummers!