When my “doctor” told me I had cancer, I knew I’d try anything to get better – Anything except chemotherapy, radiation therapy, and/or surgery. Instead of poisoning my temple with modern medicine, I decided to take this life-threatening opportunity to explore the world of healing crystals.
Having never used them before, I was always curious if they actually work, and what better time to try than when my body is riddled with tumors?
I first had to fire my idiot physician. You should have heard her – “You need real medical treatment now, and there is zero scientific evidence that crystals blah, blah, fart noises, blah, blah.”
Keep in mind, this is the same quack who couldn’t locate ONE of my chakras on an x-ray.
I quickly left Dr. Fartmouth MD’s den of voodoo bullshit and went to the one place I knew I could get sound health advice – an alternative medicine/Flat Earth Theory subreddit with just 22 subscribers. With a subreddit that small there’s no room for riff raff, only experts. And one of these kindly experts just so happened to have crystals available for a cool $3,200. Pretty big deal considering these babies cure cancer!
Quick word of warning before I move on – While it seems obvious that crystals should be taken orally, there is a lot of misinformation out there. For instance, some jabronis told me to “place the crystals on your skin.” But let’s be real, only a major league dillhole would think that could provide any medicinal benefits.
The crystals arrived shortly and I immediately began swallowing as many as I could. It was tough at first, but they were real sharp, and my mouth blood provided a convenient natural lubricant.
After a few more hours of intense swallowing I passed out, which I took as a good sign. But lo and behold, when I woke up 3 days later I was malnourished, feverish, slightly aroused, and feeling way more tumory than I ever have. I’d like to think I purchased a batch of bum rocks, but after this unsuccessful trial, I am certain that healing crystals don’t work.
Looks like I’ll need to explore other medical options. I found a lady on Craigslist willing to stick me with all kinds of sharp objects. Presumably acupuncture needles. That should stab the cancer outta my system toot suite.