Have you ever encountered someone so obnoxious, terminally unlikable that you’d sooner kill yourself than be seen within a ten-mile radius of them? What if I told you they also wield an unfathomable amount of power, which they abuse daily, only amplifying their universal unlikability? In case you haven’t figured it out yet, we’re referring to none other than JD fucking Vance.
“My family still won’t forgive me for voting for Trump, but I won’t forgive myself for letting that dead-eyed mouth breather weasel his way into the White House. He has the aura of a friend’s annoying little brother who won’t shut the fuck up about not letting him win in Mario Kart. If he becomes president, the world is going to take us even less seriously than it does now.”
That’s a quote from the most racist old white man we could find. In Boston.
It’s not often that so many people from all races, creeds, and colors can come together and agree that someone sucks, but sentient helium balloon JD Vance has made that dream come true. The data doesn’t lie!
“Our latest Quinnipiac poll broke down the unadulterated vitriol against the Vice President, indicating 36% of Americans believe he’s the kind of guy who’d call the cops on a house party when he loses at beer pong, while 40% get the feeling he inserts himself into other people’s inside jokes,” said Bryce Johnson, one of the nation’s top pollsters. “The remaining 24% simply stated ‘Ohio’, which is more damning than anything else.”
“There’s just something about him that induces a viciously negative reaction whenever I see him or hear him talk, and I’m not even talking about his politics. Every opinion he has is the worst take on anything I’ve ever heard, not because he’s always lowkey shilling for his billionaire benefactors but because he’s trying to put on a tough guy act when he could probably be defeated by ticking him.”
Truth be told, it’s not fun watching a man lead an agenda so catastrophically bad it’ll destroy millions of livelihoods and industries. But give him credit, folks — no matter how bad you think you have it, he still has to look at himself in the mirror every day and know that nothing he does will ever buy him a genuine ounce of respect from anyone, and that includes animals.
Thanks for taking one for the team JD, and by all means, burn in hell.
