Here at the Hard Times, it’s not like we get to interview a film visionary very often. We’re just a small-time punk news website, so when the opportunity to sit down with legendary director Tim Burton came along, we just had to pounce. After all, the guy is seen as an absolute pioneer in modern goth culture. This was the most promising moment of our careers, and we’re big enough to admit that we completely fucked the dog on this one.
Like, we royally blew it, to the point where we got a half hour into the interview before realizing we had even forgotten to record it. It’s not pretty, but here’s what we were able to salvage:
Tim Burton: “— directed or produced over 20 films AND I’ve just received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, yet the entirety of this interview has been focused solely on the anatomy of one of my characters from a movie that came out 34 years ago. Did you even watch it? How, and if, he performed certain bodily functions isn’t the fucking point.”
The Hard Times: “We’re sorry, Mr. Burton, and we promise we’ve seen MOST of the movie. Granted it was decades ago, on TBS, but we’re pretty sure we got the gist of it. We’ve just been plagued with these questions ever since, and —”
TB: “‘Beetlejuice Beetlejuice’ just came out in theaters. It’s the sequel to arguably my biggest work, and it’s been hotly anticipated by millions for over 30 years. I’m currently on a press tour for it, which is the reason I agreed to this interview in the first place. Were you going to ask me about it?”
HT: “Oh shit, you directed ‘Beetlejuice?’”
TB: “Jesus Christ.”
HT: “Wow, that’s really interesting. Now that we know this, we actually have some questions about the mating habits of those big sandworms. How would they —”
TB: “Forget it, I’m done with this interview.”
At that point, he just stood up and walked out of our offices, which kind of left us hanging considering how much we still wanted to ask him. Here’s a (by no means exhaustive) list of the outstanding questions we had:
– Was Edward Scissorhands circumcised? If so, did he perform the procedure himself? He seemed pretty capable with those scissors, and we sincerely doubt he had health insurance, so it would’ve been a total money-saver.
– How was Edward Scissorhands able to safely hold his penis while urinating?
– Was masturbation just completely off the table for Edward Scissorhands, or had Vincent Price’s character constructed some sort of device for him?
– Testicular self-exams are important, yet the thought of Edward Scissorhands conducting one is a fucking nightmare. Why was this dilemma not explored in the film?
Oh well, we’re going to look on the bright side here and take this as a learning experience. At least we know now that the questions we have planned for our upcoming interview with David Cronenberg need A LOT of rework.