I recently purchased a bottle of Johnson & Johnson’s Baby Shampoo with the expectation that my prolonged bouts of showertime sadness would subside thanks to their self-proclaimed gentle, tear-free formula. I really needed a win here. My morning routine has been taking forever on account of all the crying, and I’ve been having to wake up earlier and earlier just to fit it into my schedule. I’ve already missed two important meetings at work this past week, and our water bill is through the roof! Surely a trusted family brand like Johnson & Johnson would stand by their word and provide a quality product that would hush my fears. But just like my own family, they are liars and cheats.
As gentle to the eyes as pure water my ass! First of all, shampoo goes on your hair, not in your eyes, dipshit! Probably letting AI write all their slogans, humanity’s at an all-time low. These corporate pigs are just preying on those who get sad in the shower and to what end? Just to make a quick buck? Our country is run by fascists. Don’t worry, the shampoo will help. Our planet keeps setting itself on fire. No biggie, probably just need to re-lather. How can any of this matter, what does my life even mean, where is this all headed!? I’m covered in baby shampoo and feeling more lost than ever!
Let’s talk integrity. When you buy a product, you expect that product to work as advertised.
Branded mission statements used to mean something. Built Ford Tough. Subway Eat Fresh. No More Tears? Maybe that would be possible if I wasn’t still paying student loans from 2009 for a fucking Poly Sci degree! Fuck!!! This shampoo doesn’t work. I’ve tried it both standing up and in the fetal position. I even drank a little bit of it. It does not work.
Oh and if you’re gonna say “this product only works on babies” don’t waste your breath. I tested it myself since clearly no one can be trusted. And, shocker, that baby cried the entire time I was shampooing its hair. Don’t buy this product.