The one nice perk about having a soul-crushing office job is casual Friday. Especially when it’s cool enough that I can wear my leather jacket with my carefully curated pins of bands nobody at my work has ever heard of. It makes me feel superior, it doesn’t matter how much they are paid, they have never been exposed to Drain. But the worst fucking part of my job is Travis. After spotting a few of my pins he had to quietly whisper to me that he’s into “hardcore punk” but it’s not something he wants to let everyone know because everyone would be shocked.
No, they wouldn’t, Travis. Because no one believes you. After being interrupted every time I ask what band he’s into he keeps saying “just some hardcore stuff, man. Like, really hardcore. You wouldn’t believe it. I look like this here but I listen to crazy stuff” Ok, untuck your T.J. Maxx tie and shirt set and fucking spill it, asshole. I’m just trying to fill up my water bottle that has a Bad Religion sticker and all you did was point and go “That’s wild, man.” And I can tell shit is getting awkward because I keep asking you to give me a band recommendation and all you reply with is “think of the hardest song to play on Guitar Hero and stuff like that.” Bro, the hardest stuff in Guitar Hero was either Comic-Con metal shit or “The Devil Went Down To Georgia,” while that song fucking rips it isn’t what you want to classify as “hardcore punk”.
Travis bragged “all the shit I listen to was from Warped Tour 2018.” When I asked if he saw Knocked Loose play that year he said “no, but I saw some pretty hardcore stuff that year but I forgot their name because I was in the moshing pit all day with the moshers.” I’m about to call the cops for stolen valor, Travis Studebaker. I’m very close to it, as un-punk as that is. I think we need the justice system to properly hold him accountable.
You know what? Who gives a shit. If he’s into “hardcore punk” then let him be into it. Whatever he thinks it is. But I’m absolutely sending HR an anonymous tip after he said that the best bassist of all time is “the guy from that emo band, NOFX.”