These days, it’s so hard to find a product that works for MY body. There are many goods catered to the woman on the go, but what about the bro on the no-go? What about the gamers of the world who can’t afford to tear themselves away from the screen for even a second? Or the common crust punk, who needs to spend no less than three consecutive days on a floor mattress for something he calls “sweaty-shakey-no-fun time.” If you relate to any of these descriptions, you gotta try peeing in a jar by your bed.
I was like you once, the guy who doesn’t pee in a jar by his bed. If I could go back and talk to my old self I’d say “urine for a real treat.” Gone are the days when “society” forces you to drag yourself all the way down the hallway, past your judgmental roommate Steven, all to do something you’re gonna do again anyway in 5-7 business days. Over are the nights where nosey, incredulous Steven asks “hey did you spray motor oil or like, Coke Zero or something on the toilet seat?” It’s none of your business Steven, YOU go see a doctor!
Now you’re probably wondering a question I get asked a lot: how do you find the right urine jar to accommodate your needs? If you’re like me and you have a heavy, tar-like flow that sometimes burns a hole in the floor, finding the right jar can be, well, jarring! Thankfully, those of us in the lifestyle understand that “piss jar” is a social construct. Your roommate’s coffee mug can be a piss jar. Your grandpa’s urn can be a piss jar. The side of your leg can be a piss jar. The real question is, how committed are you to freedom?
Ever since I started peeing in a jar by my bed, my confidence has been through the roof. I’m pretty sure that’s why Sylvia Plath wrote a poem about it or something. The thing is, once you break out of the matrix, you begin questioning all the rules. Did you know that you can replace water with Mountain Dew and it has no health consequences whatsoever? Once you expand your mind, you realize all those warnings from your doctor, friends, and family were just holding you back. Now if you excuse me, I’ve got a date with sweaty-shakey-no-fun time.