It’s not uncommon to run into the occasional pest while cleaning out your garage, but when I stumbled upon a small nest in mine littered with guitar picks and a dorky pair of glasses, I was perplexed.
After browsing a few homecare reddits and listening to the Blue album a few more times, I’ve narrowed my mystery pest down to either Rivers Cuomo or a particularly nostalgic muskrat. Gun to my head, my Money is on Cuomo.
You may find it hard to believe that Weezer frontman Rivers Cuomo is now living among my 2012 Kia Optima and my beer fridge, but here are 5 pieces of hard evidence that say it is so.
My Old D&D Box Is Open
While I briefly dabbled in tabletop gaming in high school, my once-forgotten box of monster manuals and dice inexplicably reappeared on my garage shelf. Stranger yet, the box had been left open and I was sure that my D8 was missing. No other pest would have foraged for such materials than Mr. Weezer himself.
I Hear Noises at Night
Common vermin typically make skittering noises or at least a subtle indicator of their infestation. Usually, this isn’t something that keeps me up at night, but someone’s been playing stupid songs on his electric guitar well past 2 AM. While the common muskrat is known to be active during these hours, they are notoriously poor at nailing the F chord.
Someone Keeps Hanging up KISS Posters
Having not owned a single KISS poster in all my life, I was perplexed to see pictures of Ace Frehley strewn across my garage walls. They are far from my favorite rock group, and Ace Frehley is far from even being my favorite member. The Kitty Pride poster I may have hung after a night of drunk Amazon ordering, that’s on brand, but I’m like 90% sure I had nothing to do with the KISS stuff.
I See Him Scamper Away When I Open The Door
After getting home from work and opening the garage door, I was shocked to see a Cuomo-shaped figure snatch up his X-Men comics from the ground and dash behind a stack of cardboard boxes. At that point of the day I was too tired to confront him, and promised myself to look for my can of Raid in the morning.
He Left Me a Note
Perhaps the most damning piece of evidence was when I found a note taped to the windshield of my car from Rivers himself. He declared my garage was where he “belongs”, and promised me that during his residency in my car port that I would never hear him sing his song. There were also a bunch of droppings everywhere though, so maybe I have a Rivers Cuomo AND a muskrat?