An automobile isn’t fit for the road unless it has a CD player or Discman with a cassette tape adapter–which is definitely the main reason I drive a ‘99 Pontiac Sunfire with moderate damage to the passenger side door. Who wants a car with Bluetooth and Sirius XM when you could endanger the lives of everyone around you by flipping through your extra-large CD case looking for a scratched-up disc that won’t play right, anyway? It feels just like high school without all the youthful optimism!
But be sure to buckle up because we’re looking back on five nostalgic albums that will make you say, “Maybe I shouldn’t be flipping through this CD case during rush hour!”
The Postal Service “Give Up”
Somehow, the sexually charged vocals of the human embodiment of a beige swatch from Lowe’s still make you think about your college girlfriend. Maybe Janelle will take you back if you call and apologize for throwing up at her sister’s wedding. She’s been married to your cousin for fourteen years, but it’s worth a shot! If you daydream about the life you would’ve built with Janelle and her family in upper Maine for too long, you’ll probably clip several people using Bird scooters in the bike lane. Thankfully, you’ll be so emotionally available, you’ll cry with them!
Job for a Cowboy “Doom”
If the intro track to this EP doesn’t make everyone think you have a dude trapped in your trunk, every second of “Entombment of a Machine” will. Whatever you do, don’t ask why you placed this album on the same page as The Roots’ “Things Fall Apart” and Savage Garden’s 1997 self-titled album until you’ve safely rear-ended the Honda Civic in front of you.
Deftones “Around the Fur”
Everybody loves “White Pony,” but what about the album you lost your makeout virginity to? This was the album that made you a love-drunk sicko that abandoned skateboarding and childhood friends for any girl in the mall food court that looked at you right. So, jam “Be Quiet and Drive (Far Away)” and have an extra-sweaty dry-humping session with the cop that will inevitably pull you over for being too horny.
Minus the Bear “Highly Refined Pirates”
The lyrics to this album will let everyone in the Target parking lot know your BAC is above .08. So don’t break it out until you’ve finished the open container in your front seat. Also, hang onto that hitchhiker for a while because you need an alibi more than you need a drinking buddy.
Limp Bizkit “Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water”
This album is as terrible as it is fun which makes it the perfect CD to listen to while pulling into your old elementary school. No teacher thought you were old enough to listen to Limp Bizkit in ‘01, so it’s time to prove what a big, strong man you became by blaring “Rollin’” while picking up your girlfriend’s son thirty minutes before dismissal. Jaydain Murphy doesn’t need social-emotional learning any more than you need to turn down the Limp B-I-Z-K-I-T.
In the event you get into an automotive accident trying to corral these elusive discs, the Hard Times would like to remind you that you only need a license to drive if you get pulled over.