Being American means we enjoy certain freedoms, such as the right to a fair trial. With these freedoms, however, come certain responsibilities, one of which is the civic duty to serve in a legal proceeding.
Sure, we’ve all been in countless situations where we’ve had to stand before a jury of our peers, but some of us have actually been called to serve on said juries. This can be a total drag, but here are five clever ways I got out of my patriotic obligation that were all just getting caught doing whippets in the parking lot.
February 9th, 2017: I had a plan to be excused by providing the attorneys a detailed list of all of my racial prejudices, but ended up not having to resort to that when the judge happened to walk past my Honda Civic before we were called into the building. Frankly, this was a relief, because my aforementioned plan entailed using a lot of language that I’m not really comfortable with.
April 22nd, 2019: OK, people can use a 15-minute recess to vape by the front door, but the moment I sneak off with a package of whipped cream chargers, I’m suddenly unfit to be a fact-finder in a property contract dispute case? Yes, I was happy to go home, and thankful I avoided a public intoxication charge, but that didn’t make me feel any less insulted.
November 3rd, 2019: I was well aware that I had accidentally driven into the side of the courthouse, so I really didn’t need that lady to get so close to the passenger’s side window to investigate. I’d like to see her successfully operate a car while fishing the fuck out with 8 grams of nitrous oxide swimming through her head. It’s not as easy as it looks. Anyway, kind of ironic that I was there to serve on a jury and ended up requiring one of my own.
March 15th, 2020: This one’s kind of a cheat. I didn’t get excused from jury duty, per se, because we adjourned right after I got there due to the COVID-19 pandemic. Still, the security guard did catch me doing whippets in the parking lot. Luckily, it was more of a “concerned questions” situation and less of a “taken into custody” situation. Phew!
August 1st, 2023: So, not only do whippets provide a great experience, they can also get you excused from having to serve on the jury for a murder trial in which the defendant is a mafia member who swears revenge on everyone responsible for his guilty verdict! People may warn about how drugs can end your life, but why doesn’t anybody ever talk about their lifesaving potential?