I want to preface this by letting you know it actively pains me to address the topic of the original Polly Pocket Airplane. It was sleek, posh, and if I could circle it in a magazine at this very moment I would. To be honest, I could dwell on the subject for pages – but that’s not fun and/or punk, and I think someone at some point said that listicles do better than other formats because our attention span is so short. I’ve also heard that Amazon will soon own the world, so might as well lean into the end right? I’m already walking around with a hole the size of a doll’s plane in my heart.
1. Starting things off strong: This slightly too wide Cillian Murphy pillow. Versatile, sexy, eerie – the three musts for anything that goes on my couch. Now that I’m an adult, nobody can tell me what I can and can’t have. Besides, it’s not even that expensive. My parents made it seem like buying the Polly Pocket airplane was going to put us in a hole we may never get out of. Which, in retrospect, it being 2008 there was probably a lot of truth to that.
2. What’s better than real shrimp? Fake shrimp, because you can trick people with it. You know what can’t trick me? A knockoff Polly Pocket airplane. You can’t imitate a perfect design. My parents tried getting me a cheaper “Peggy Pantleg” Playset, but it a piece of crap and I think the plastic made me sick.
3. Who doesn’t need an all seeing lemon? Name me one person who doesn’t need an all seeing lemon and a Polly Pocket airplane? If American lawmakers actually served the people they would make it a law that every child should get a Polly Pocket airplane, it’s what this country needs.
4. Like all dolls in the 2000s, Polly Pockets had a very specific scent. I haven’t smelled this, but I have the feeling a blueberry muffin fabric deodorizer is the perfect match to knock me out of despair and back into a sweet (?) nostalgia.
5. If you’re reading this article I can confidently say you chewed on Polly Pocket shoes. I know this about you, don’t even try to deny it. The below product is the closest thing I could find, but I’ll be honest – they don’t look nearly as soft, chewy, or carcinogenic.
6. If you submitted to the truth of the last product, then I think I can confidently say you are a current chain smoker. The pipeline is real! Get some storage for those cartons you make your cousins from Georgia send you! You already are bereft of the one thing you want, so keep your vice fresh.
7. I don’t think this needs any explanation. Just set it up in a prominent place in your apartment and watch all your friends turn green with envy, but don’t tell them where you got it or else they will buy their own.
8. I know I’ve built up some tension from the jealousy I had towards my childhood BFF who did have the Polly Pocket airplane. So, I wanted to throw in a little something that might ease the tension – One of these torture machines to stretch your neck off your head. This also might by an auto erotic asphyxiation device in disguise.
9. Oh, you’ve read this far? Seek help. I’ve personally read the whole entire first page at least seven times and can’t keep going. But it sits on my desk reminding me that I will never find peace in this frantic world.
10. Don’t get too excited. In fact, chill out. This is similar, but it’s not the original. I know it says the “Polly Pocket Store” but although some products may seem consistent, the entire line actually shuttered in 2012 after their huge boom died down. Then, 11 years later, Mattel re-released a Polly Pocket line with some minor but significant alterations in the look of the doll and its accessories. Small edits to the body and face, making her look a little more like a Bratz Doll, as well as making the airplane white with pink trim instead of the classic orange with pink trim. Why these changes to an already perfectly built machine? I don’t know. Why would I know that? I’m a full grown woman-person who has a normal relationship to her childhood.
