ERIE, Pa. — A basement punk show is currently running unprecedentedly early, as it is set to begin merely 90 minutes late and potentially break a world record, excited attendees report.
“Everyone knows ‘Doors at seven’ really means, ‘Doors at nine assuming the host doesn’t get pulled over on the way back from a beer run,’” explained showgoer Jenny McClaine. “But I’ll be damned if it isn’t 8:26 p.m., and the first band is fully loaded in and sound-checked. It’s about 96 degrees out, and this place has semi-functional air conditioning, so I’m sure that helped shave some time during load in. I keep waiting for the PA to explode or something, but this whole thing might be wrapped up before the cops can even bust it.”
One of the musicians set to perform tonight was particularly excited by the collective efficiency.
“Yo, we’re so early that we should probably do some shots, right?” asked Eric Black, lead guitarist of crossover thrash band Suicider. “I randomly found this bottle of Old Grand-Dad in an unlocked car outside on the street. I play better, sing better, and raise my kids better when I’m a little drunk. Also, I think someone ordered pizza? I don’t want to drink on an entirely empty stomach, so let’s wait to see if that shows up. We got time.”
Patrick O’Sullivan, a judge for Guinness World Records, was in attendance to record the possibly historic punk show.
“Ever since punk erupted in the mid 1970s, shows have been delayed on the order of hours for a variety of reasons,” explained O’Sullivan, who attentively watched his computer’s countdown timer. “Whether it’s bands bickering about lineup order, musicians underestimating how long it takes to drive between cities, or the desperate hope that the crowd will fill out in just a few more minutes, most punk shows are on the average between two and three hours late to begin. This is a stunning example of things going almost smoothly. The only issue is that everyone keeps harassing me to give them free Guinness, and we aren’t even affiliated with them anymore.”
While the show did indeed start only 90 minutes late, O’Sullivan was unable to record the record as he was immediately sucked into a circle pit and concussed.