Here I am at the local Burger Blaster minding my own business when this guy takes his Portable Porno Player out! I’m thinking like, my guy, that is bold for you to indulge in such behavior here in public surrounded by all these people and families. But got damn, respect to you sir. I appreciate your chutzpah.
I keep slurping down my thick ass creamy vanilla milkshake, minding my own business. He starts tapping the screen, I’m assuming he’s typing in a search for the kind of skin-jams he is looking to delve into: Hot backdoor action, BDSM, Step-sibs, Ginger Greasin’, Pterodactyl Sex, Cake farts, MILF, DILF, Hentai, ‘Bians, POV, Gang Bangin’, Missionary, you know, something like that.
He finishes tapping the screen and he is about to commence, when out of nowhere he puts the Portable Porno Player up to his ear and starts TALKING on it! I couldn’t believe it. This guy ACTUALLY used his Portable Porno Player to make a PHONE call!
I’m not one to kink shame; I once got blasted in the ass by a neon ‘90s super soaker while three people in purple morph suits stomped my balls. I consider myself very open-minded. But making a phone call on your Portable Porno Player? That’s absolutely disgusting. The only thing I could think about using it for other than poring over porno is MAYBE Candy Crush, and even then I feel kinda weird and dirty.
He should be ashamed to be doing such an act like this in a public place. I don’t care if it’s an urgent conversation that has to be had, I don’t care if anyone’s health is on the line or if it’s the job offer of your dreams. Save it for when you’re home alone, after you turn on late night talk radio, light some scentless candles from TJ-Maxx and close your smoke stained blinds while reruns of General Hospital play on your Sony Trinitron TV. That’s when you talk on the Portable Porno Player. Just like everyone else. Not here at the Burger Blaster.
The really disgusting part was I think he was talking to his mom! Not his step-mom, his actual fucking MOM! Nasty.