Over the past few years we’ve called out, canceled, impeached, and even jailed some of America’s most toxic and evil people but we still have a long way to go! As punks, we feel it’s time to finally address the greatest injustice in this fucked up country—the unconditional love and support we all receive from our parents.
It makes us sick that such a blatant act of defiance like ripping sleeves off a denim vest can be considered “aw, cute!” So when our mom said that it made us so angry we wanted to literally throw up the Chipotle we bought with her money. Here are 5 punk fashion trends that somehow piqued our mother’s bourgeoisie interests and are officially canceled:
1. Doc Martens – Seriously, why do we even still see poser losers leaving their house with such basic bullshit like Doc Martens. Everyone and their mother has a pair! Specifically our mother. Mom showed genuine interest in their “durability” and “practicality” for “outdoor activities,” and now they’re all she wears! Doc Martens used to stand for rebellion. We used to wear them and feel cool. Now we wear them and feel mildly uncomfortable and a little bit damp. We sure hope she doesn’t hear about Vans on NPR or something or we’ll have to resort to wearing our old flip flops to shows.
2. Sleeveless Vests – What kind of self-respecting, standard, functioning member of society rips the sleeves off of their own denim vests? None! That’s why punks do it. Well, not anymore! Not since our mom decided that it was a “really neat idea” since the venues she drops us off at tend to get “just a smidge stuffy.” We didn’t do it to be neat! We did it to anger you, mom! And it’ll be a cold day in Hell before we ask for your help while we sew the sleeves back on. God, parents ruin everything!
3. Safety Pins – Honestly, we’re surprised she didn’t ruin these sooner. We can’t even begin to describe the horror we felt after our mother smiled and willingly gave us a safety pin when we asked for one on our outfit. We even had a whole snarky response prepared for her confusion and her inability to understand our anarchist tendencies after she refused to give use one. But of course mom had the fucking nerve to hand it to us without a single questions. She just smiled and said, “that sounds fun, be careful not to poke yourself!” Anyone wearing safety pins on their clothing is dangerous, mom! We live on the fucking edge. Well now safety pins are canceled! Anyone wearing them is unwelcome in my circle of trust.
4. Hair Dye in the Following Colors: Blue, Dark Blue, Pink, Orange – People aren’t born with blue hair. The very sight of it should enrage a domesticated, property-owning commoner with simple tastes, but no! Blue is also our mom’s favorite color and apparently it “looks so good on you! You’re so unique!” Fucking UGH. It’s on our head, mom! It doesn’t go there! It’s as if any color we choose for our hair is acceptable and valid in our mother’s eyes and no matter what she will support our appearance. I’m running away.
5. Anything involved with the ’80s – It has recently been brought to our attention that our mother grew up in the ’80s and, honestly, she hasn’t taken an interest in our love of ’80s retro shit so this is entirely preemptive. Fucking Stranger Things.