Ugh, are you kidding me? Come on, people, it’s the 21st century! When I came to this Anthrax concert, it was under the pretense that it would be run with some level of decency and decorum, and that the everyday plight of the child-rearing community would be taken into consideration. Yet, here I am, in the circle pit with my three-week-old son Nathan, and there’s not a baby-changing station in sight.
Seriously, what kind of mosh pit is this?
This is the last place I would’ve expected to be dad-shamed. What am I supposed to do when my running and bashing into my fellow concertgoers inevitably results in Nathan loosing his bowels and bladder? I can tell you right now that he’s become pretty excitable in the 23 days he’s been on this Earth, and the band is already playing the opening riff to “I Am the Law”, so that thrashy breakdown later on in this song is going to be the impetus for him soiling his Pampers even if the moshing doesn’t do it. Trust me, I know my son, and even if you don’t, you can ask my wife Emily. She’s in the front row filling her breast pump.
And I’m pretty sure I already know what you’re thinking. “Why didn’t you just stay home?” Ugh. You know, it’s people like you who dissuade honest, hardworking folk from having kids in the first place. Have you ever given a second’s thought to the Rembrandts and Salks who never got the chance to exist just because some assholes think it’s inappropriate for infants to slam headfirst into overweight, middle-aged metalheads before their skulls have been fully formed? You make me sick.
Listen, I think I’ve made my case here. Everyone involved in this show, from the band to the venue owner to the attendees, should be ashamed. Being a new parent is the most difficult job in the world, and I just wanted to unwind by treating my sweet little angel to a fun time after finishing my 7th Labatt Blue pounder, but it looks like that’s not going to happen. I’m going to go grab Emily and see if they’re a little more accommodating and gracious to us over at the Spearmint Rhino. Thanks for nothing.
