DALLAS, Tex.—Conservatives across the United States expressed shock and confusion upon seeing footage of the ongoing riots across France, primarily over the fact that the country’s populace was not instinctively surrendering to riot police, a new poll has confirmed.
“Now just hold on a minute, aren’t these supposed to be the same cheese-eating pussies we had to bail out in World War II? I thought by now they’d be waving their little white flags at the first sight of a SWAT truck, but no, it looks like half the country is fucking up everyone and everything that stands against them. And they’re fighting for better education standards and teacher pay? That can’t be right. The only explanation is they’re all crisis actors,” said lifelong Republican voter Edward Barstow.
In a follow-up interview, Barstow went on to criticize the The French Working classes lack of faith in the established system.
“It’s funny, because I’ve heard whispers about Frenchies setting cars on fire and throwing bricks at cops whenever their government tries to make their lives harder. That doesn’t sound very patriotic to me, no sir, you gotta let the free market do its thing like in the good old U.S.A. This is probably just a one-off thing. I give it two days before they scurry back into their cafes with their berets between their legs.”
Poll takers found many conservative leaning Americans were struggling to challenge their beliefs about French citizens.
“It was pretty obvious right out of the gate that the overwhelming majority of conservatives we polled still believe the trope about France is just a country of chain smoking homosexuals who’ll let any authority figure kick them around. No joke, 98% of the right wingers we spoke to weren’t aware the citizens of France were capable of being this hardcore when up against their own military, one of the toughest in the world,” said poll creator Phillip Stein. “58% questioned why they weren’t rioting over something worthy like a chain restaurant changing their logo, 63% said the rioters should go back to their own country, and a whopping 88% thought Paris was the name of the country. I’d say I’m surprised, but these are the same dumbasses who are eating ‘freedom fries’ since 2004.”
The poll also revealed that many conservatives also expressed confusion as to why French police simply do not indiscriminately shoot and kill protestors without fear of being held accountable.
