Alright, let’s rank some horror movies! Unfortunately, it looks like I got stuck with PG13 bullshit from the past decade or so. It’s some series about a family that moves into a house with a demon in it? Oh wait, did they move into the house and there’s like, another dimension in their house, and their kid gets stuck in it? Was there a doll involved? Fuck man, I already forgot which it was. Maybe we can work through this and figure it out together?
5.) The One Where There’s a Nun Haunting a Convent, and There’s A Lot of Boring-Ass Jump Scares
I think we can all agree that this is the weakest one in the entire series, whatever that series may be. The nun looked kind of cool, but the movie was so goddamn dull, and I completely forgot it the moment I walked out of the theater. Seriously, it was like a Severance device got activated in my brain the second I walked through the exit.
4.) The One Where Patrick Wilson Might Be Possessed Because He Went Into Another Dimension Or Something
And his whole family doesn’t realize it initially, but they start to suspect throughout the movie, and there’s a demonologist, and Barbara Hershey pops in at some point. I actually kind of enjoyed it, but fuck if I can tell you what series it’s in or what it’s even called.
3.) The One Where There’s a Doll That Gets Out of Her Case and Scares a Bunch of Teens
Goddamnit, 3 seems way too high for this one, because it really sucked fuck. I’m sorry. It’s just that these are kind of flooding in and out of my memory, and I can’t keep track of them. Is 5 movies too much? Or too little? I’m in way over my head here. Why couldn’t I have been assigned the Halloween or Hellraiser movies? At least those are enjoyable.
2.) The One Where the Family Moves Into a House and That Chick From Mystic Pizza Gets Possessed, But Then She Ends Up Alright
Yeah, I liked this one. Remember when those hands came out of the cabinet and clapped? That was actually a really well-done scare, so kudos to the filmmakers on that one. Not sure why they couldn’t keep up that level of quality for the remainder of this still-to-be-determined series.
1.) The Other One Where the Family Moves Into a House and They See All That Footage of Other Families Dying
Yeah, this was cool as hell. Definitely the best one. And there was that awesome Ulver song during the scary scenes, and—wait, this was actually a Sinister movie? GodDAMNIT! Ugh, well whatever. I am NOT redoing this list, so you’ll just have to live with it. Stay tuned for my definitive ranking of A24 films with naked old people in them.
