SALEM, Ore. — A local, historically beloved corn maze at Briar Ridge Farms is receiving pushback from the community, who are complaining that the area appears to be haunted almost exclusively by theatre majors, confirmed sources.
“Hey, I love theatre as much as the next guy,” began Clifton Darrow, a regular annual attendee of the corn maze. “I suppose it is kind of scary to be pestered by people in a field who willfully decided to go tens of thousands of dollars into debt to get a degree in the make-believe arts. I mean, anyone who would do that clearly fears no judgment or death itself, but they’re just being so…theater-y about it. I’m pretty sure I heard them warming up with a round of Zip Zap Zop before I entered the maze, which really brought the vibe down.”
Some employees of the corn maze were nonplussed to hear the negative feedback from the community.
“Who else do you think keeps you slack-jawed rubes entertained for little to no money?” began Aloysious DeMartino, theatre major and shift leader at Briar Ridge Farms. “We gladly work nights, dirtying our Ben Nye makeup kits and handcrafted regalia to bring you a scare that celebrates the season while holding up the mirror to society itself, and this is what we get in return? You uncultured troglodytes don’t deserve art.”
Concurrently, the spectral visages of long dead souls that are doomed to walk the corn maze for eternity offered a unique take on having to share their ghostly terrarium every October.
“I just think that authenticity of representation is paramount, and especially when it comes to communal performance art,” grieved the headless ghost of Annabelle Jacobs, the doomed farmer’s daughter who met her grisly end at the hands of her betrothed centuries earlier. “This takes away from the severity of the plight of every ghost and ghoul that’s sentenced to wander these fields and turns it into some kind of orgiastic cacophony of theatrical shenanigans and tomfoolery. Like, someone cut my head off. Is this a joke to you all?”
As of press time, several patrons were seen leaving the maze after being asked for a suggestion from the audience about the best place to have their bones chilled.
