They say the best defence is a good offense. That’s why brave leaders like Donald Trump are always in attack mode, from bombing historic rivals like Iran to starting economic trade wars on enemies we never even knew we had, like those bastards up in Canada. But what the MSN refuses to report has been his most ingenious plan yet — to preemptively attack his own nation in order to prevent the next 9/11 by ensuring it’s already destroyed, leaving the bad guys with nothing left to strike.
Imagine being a would-be terrorist ready to launch an even more devastating follow-up attack on America, only to discover the country you loathe with every fiber of your being has already been decimated?
Why not launch an attack on the White House, the symbolic heart of America? That sounds like a plan worth pursuing until they see footage of the East Wing in ruins, being torn apart by bulldozers and heavy machinery, like a bomb has already gone off. Then what about launching an acid attack on another beloved landmark like the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool? Terrorists could poison it, turn the water a neon green, and cause extensive damage, but wait, someone’s already done that.
Don’t let the late-night tweets about windmills or the AI videos of an eagle beating the shit out of a goose distract you from the fact that under our President’s steady, though mysteriously bruised hand, we haven’t suffered another September 11th, and we’ve never been safer.
How could outside agitators even begin to cripple our economy when the price of crude oil is already over $100, with the average price for a gallon of gas up almost a whopping 42% since February? And how could they do a better job of upending our democracy than what’s already been done, from attacking the legitimacy of the elections, weakening the peaceful transfer of power, eroding trust in voting systems, attacking the FBI, the DOJ, the press, NIH, CDC, environmental protections, NATO, our allies, and even Big Bird? Sorry, terrorists, Trump is Sun Tzu-ing the hell out of this thing; give up now.
While our adversaries have been playing checkers, we now realize the guy in charge has been playing 4D chess this entire time, like our own version of Keyser Söze. We see what you’ve been doing, and we salute you. Checkmate, Mr. President.
