WASHINGTON – President Donald Trump has accused China of shitting his pants in addition to interfering in the 2020 presidential election, repulsed sources report.
“After the People’s Republic of China carried out the largest compromise of election data in history, they have gone on to shit the pants that I am currently wearing,” Trump addressed the nation in a follow-up to Thursday night’s televised speech. “That’s right, after they illicitly acquired 220 million voter files containing names, addresses, and political parties, they somehow found a way to infiltrate my high-end Brioni wide-legged suit trousers and fill them with a steaming pile of foul-smelling, liquid excrement, the likes of which the world has never seen. This is an unprecedented security nightmare both for the integrity of our elections and for the staffers who will be tasked with cleaning me after I conclude this speech.”
White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt reinforced Trump’s assertion.
“The media has refused to acknowledge that tens of millions of Americans share the President’s concerns about elections and the feces currently escaping his underwear and dribbling down his legs,” Leavitt said. “I am well aware that, in addition to rigging the results of the 2020 election, China has found a way to shit his pants, and the documents compiled by our top intelligence agency chiefs and released to the public prove this beyond the shadow of a doubt. Everything he said is backed by facts and evidence that has been painstakingly collected, and unless Congress passes the SAVE America Act, China will be able to meddle in the midterm elections, as well as shit in the President’s pants, once again.”
Trump voter Adam Brecelli reacted to the revelation.
“I’ve been hearing for years that China has been interloping in our elections,” Brecelli noted. “However, I had no idea they were shitting Donald Trump’s pants, too. How are they even able to do that? It’s amazing how far ahead of us they got technologically during those four years we had that Socialist crook Joe Biden in office. Now we can’t trust our elections, and we also can’t trust that our President doesn’t have his pants completely filled with shit at any given time. I just hope we can get everything fixed before November, otherwise we’ll be completely screwed.
At press time, Donald Trump had also accused China of putting his name in the Epstein files thousands of times.
