WASHINGTON — Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito suggested that the Court is open to gutting the Beastie Boys’ right to party, according to sources.
“This so-called ‘right’ to party that these beastie gentlemen want people to fight for is just a thinly veiled endorsement of an anti-Christian, anti-American anarchy,” said Alito. “They complain that their teachers preach at them like they’re some sort of jerk while disregarding the Originalist reality that the Founders clearly intended for teachers to lead prayers and preach on the tenets of faith in public schools, as long as they didn’t politicize the Bible by just focusing on the bits where Jesus gets preachy about helping the poor or where Christ doesn’t show due deference to the rich and powerful’s chances of getting into heaven.”
Former Beastie Boy Adam “Ad-Rock” Horowitz was angered but not surprised by the news.
“Why?” screamed Horowitz. “I can’t stand it that anyone is dumb enough to think that the right to party can be taken away by a bunch of corporate cum guzzlers in black robes. Obviously, stripping women of their reproductive rights and handing Trump the right to be above the law as he uses the presidency as a giant grift for his family and his corrupt cronies are way more offensive and infinitely more damaging to the country than anything the Roberts court can do to try to sabotage the Beastie Boys’ legacy, but at the same time, fuck them and the billionaire fascists who pull their strings!”
Constitutional scholar and Supreme Court commentator Dr. Jon Brown noted that, behind the scenes, the conservative majority may have more rifts on this issue than people realize.
“At his nomination hearings, Justice Brett Kavanaugh was unequivocal in his testimony: He likes beer,” said Brown. “That stern proclamation, coupled with all the references to getting blackout drunk with his buddy Squi in his old high school yearbooks, signals that he’s at least more open-minded on the right to party than total losers like Gorsuch and Alito. If Kavanaugh sides with the court’s liberals and can persuade Chief Justice Roberts to join them on a technicality, there may still be a pathway to preserve the Beastie Boys’ articulation of the right to party.”
At press time, court watchers noted that Clarence Thomas could be sympathetic to preserving the right to party if it means reaffirming the right to sue for emotional distress and economic damages if a mom or wife throws out your best porno mag.
