Dating sure has changed a lot since the days when your parents met at the soda shop/sock-hop/whatever-the-fuck. Young people everywhere are eschewing not only traditional gender roles but relationship dynamics as well. These days, it’s relatively normal to be openly non-monogamous. It’s fairly common to be part of a polycule. It is completely and totally normal to experience uncontrollable sexual attraction to fast-food movie tie-in promotional logos.
Look at her. Just look at her. That red hair. That piercing one eye. That flirtatious mouth that always seems to be saying, “Hey sailor, why don’t you come up and see me sometime?” You would be crazy not to fall in love with this beautiful promotional woman/thing.
So, what do you do when things get serious, and it’s time to introduce “Wendion” to mom & pop? Follow these steps, and this potentially awkward reveal will go, well, as smoothly as it possibly can.
Make it clear that you have BIG news
You want their imaginations running wild before you hit them with the truth. Could it be a new job that will take you halfway around the world? Do you have a terminal illness? Let them spiral a little so when they learn your announcement is that you’re sexually attracted to a food logo, they think, “Well, that’s not so bad.”
Make it clear to them that this is the REAL thing
If what you had with “Wendion” wasn’t serious, you wouldn’t be telling your folks in the first place. You have, by now, had countless sexual trysts with Minions-related images. You pretty much spent your 20s on Rule34 boards playing the field, and your folks were none the wiser, because all of those minions were just meaningless flings. Once you go into detail about your off-the-beaten-path dating history, your folks will realise that the only reason you’re finally sharing this part of your life with them is that you are really, truly in love.
Bring some spicy nuggets
Let your parents experience the best of what “Wendion” brings to the table. When they bit into that spicy, fresh, and juicy nugget, contrasted perfectly by Wendy’s honey mustard sauce, they’re sure to drop that “Back in my day” talk in no time.
Make it clear that this is NOT like the Lola Bunny thing
We all take missteps on the path to love, and boy, do your folks love to rub your face in it if your parents disapprove of your current union with a corporate mash-up logo, and a surprisingly high amount of them will be, they are sure to bring up the fact that you once intended to marry Lola Bunny from Space Jam. As demeaning as it seems, you will need to remind them that you were a CHILD at the time, barely 19, and that you were still figuring yourself out.
Assure them you are not off your meds
You are, fuck those drugs, they were holding you back, but that’s none of your parent’s business. Their business is accepting your sexual relationship with a bag of junk food.
Go no-contact
That didn’t go very well, did it? Well, fuck them! You’re not going to let their prudish, archaic worldview stop you and “Wendion” from living your best lives. Block their numbers and change your address immediately, preferably to a town with more tolerant views on love, at an apartment a little closer to a movie theater or a Wendy’s.
