ORANGE BEACH, Ala. — Creed fan Jerry Torrance suddenly burst into flames and died upon entering a Creed concert at the Wharf Amphitheater, surprised sources report.
“I have no idea what happened,” sobbed Torrance’s friend Janet Milyard. “One minute Jerry and I were walking into the venue talking about how excited we were to hear ‘With Arms Wide Open’ live, and the next thing I knew Jerry was completely on fire. Is it because he was never baptized? I remember him saying he was a little worried about going to the show because of that, but I never would have thought it was because he’d be completely immolated upon entering. I’m the one who talked him into going in the first place, so this is completely my fault. I feel absolutely terrible.”
Creed singer Scott Stapp was unsurprised by the occurrence.
“What part of my band’s music over the past three decades led this guy to believe he’d be able to safely enter one of our shows?” the frontman sighed. “I haven’t necessarily been subtle in the Christ-like way I’m portrayed in our music videos. It’s honestly surprising that he made it so far into the venue, because non-Christians usually don’t even get past the metal detectors. If he had read the fine print on the back of the ticket, he would have understood that, as an unbaptized man, he was unlikely to reach his seat without being struck down by Almighty God, and that Creed is not to be held liable for his fate. It’s a shame, but he has nobody to blame but himself.”
Theologian Kendra Berdnik provided her expertise on the matter.
“It should be common knowledge that Creed concerts are unsafe for anyone but devoted followers of Jesus Christ,” Berdnik explained. “I advise any nonbelievers, adherents to non-Christian religions, and even devoted Christians who have yet to be baptized, to find concerts other than Creed to attend, because it will not end well for them. I just wish that Mr. Torrance would have had the good sense to understand this before he so foolishly entered that venue. Hopefully the band’s live rendition of ‘Higher’ was able to revive the remaining attendees’ spirits after that tragedy.”
At press time, St. Peter had decided to let Torrance into heaven based solely on the fact that he had died at a Creed show.
