AUSTIN, Texas — Local sex worker Alyx Cline revealed this week that the public has a wildly inaccurate understanding of her profession’s greatest challenges and that the true hazard of the job is the grueling labor of pretending podcaster Tony Hinchcliffe’s punches actually hurt, confirmed sources.
“People think it’s easy. Just sex and cash,” Cline said. “But between screening clients, managing schedules, and navigating a political climate that constantly attacks women and alternative lifestyles, the job is already a grind. But nothing prepares you for the absolute chore of selling Tony’s punches. His hands feel like pipe cleaners paintbrushing your face. I’m out here trying to pretend he’s a big, strong man so he can finally cum, and it’s like getting slapped by a tubercular child. My dude is weaker than decaf.”
When reached for comment, Hinchcliffe immediately became combative.
“You think I pay for sex? You think me, the guy who just so happens to have all this cash on him, pays for sex?” Hinchcliffe shouted. “The guy who built ‘Kill Tony’? The guy who discovered huge stars like uh… like that Russian guy who vapes and says racist shit? Or uh… the Southern guy who says racist shit, but really fast? Oh! And the disabled guy who does racist shit through a text-to-speech box? Huh? You think a guy who is friends with Bert fucking Kreischer needs to pay for sex? Do you? No, seriously, do you? Do… you? What do you really think of me? Please don’t leave.”
Andrew Torres, a local advocate and social worker, confirmed that Cline’s experience is far from isolated while rifling through a thick stack of identical complaints.
“Let’s see here, ‘Feels like being butterfly-kissed by expired deli meat.’ Another says he has ‘the striking power of earthworm dick,’” Torres read aloud. “And those are the normal ones. One sex worker reported that Tony made her put on a bald cap and kneel inside a pair of size-9 boots while he broke down crying and apologized to a ‘Mr. Rogan.’ Other times she has to stuff pillows up her shirt and put on a patchy goatee so Tony can pretend to play catch with Shane Gillis. It’s honestly more depressing than anything.”
As of press time, Hinchcliffe reportedly joined a boxing gym and hired a personal trainer to help him diversify his act that goes beyond just punching down.
