WASHINGTON — White House physician, Captain Sean Barbarella, announced that recent viral clips of President Trump snoozing at his desk during Oval Office press conferences and nodding off in a luxury box at Madison Square Garden during the NBA Finals are “no cause for concern and totally normal for a healthy octogenarian pedophile,” confirmed sources.
“Frequent daytime sleeping can be a red flag for a host of health issues, but that’s not the case for President Trump,” said Barbarella. “I’ve treated sex pests half his age who get tuckered out by the mere mention of their past convictions for sex crimes, but with this president, even after a morning of strenuous test prep for his next cognitive exam for dementia, only questions about what what he wrote in other unearthed birthday cards to Jeffrey Epstein render him totally knackered.”
Right-wing podcaster and Trump loyalist Lara Loomer blasted critics who mocked the White House physician’s statement.
“The idea that his constant dozing off at all hours of the day suggests that President Trump is unfit to lead our nation into a new golden age is just dishonest propaganda pushed by the woke jihadists suffering from Trump Derangement Syndrome,” said Loomer. “President Trump is an indefatigable fighter! If his tireless efforts to take our country back from the enemies of liberty require him to sneak in 20 to 25 catnaps a day, we need to remember ‘freedom isn’t free!’”
Sleep specialist and neurologist Dr. Sandra Teel suggested that Trump’s narcolepsy could be triggered by any number of stressors beyond the simple fact that he was recently found liable of sexual abuse in a high profile civil case or that he was best friends with a notorious sexual predator.
“If the president’s erratic napping was always punctuated with Trump mumbling the names of his favorite underaged Mar-a-Lago masseuses that Epstein stole out from under him, then maybe I could agree with the White House physician’s rosy prognosis,” said Teel. “But we shouldn’t overlook the possibility that Trump’s narcolepsy could also be intensified by other stressors. By most accounts, the president is an unrepentant narcissist, but being a war criminal responsible for the deaths of scores of innocent children and knowing that people around the globe will delight in your death can also trigger stress levels that exacerbate narcolepsy.”
At press time, the president’s gastroenterologist claimed Trump’s propensity to shit himself is a sign of health and vigor in a man of his age who has spent the last 30 years lusting after his own daughter.
