WESTMINSTER, Md. — Slayer guitarist Kerry King reportedly inspired local man Evan Tremont to uselessly fuck around on the guitar for the next four decades of his life, report concerned friends and family.
“I’ve wanted to play guitar for years, but as a metal fan, it can be pretty intimidating to think I could ever play music like this,” said Tremont while nervously picking a single note at 320 beats per minute. “When I heard Slayer and their trademark rapid picking while haphazardly catching a few dissonant notes in quick succession while cranking a wah pedal back and forth at seemingly random intervals, it all seemed very possible. I could just envision the years flying by and not learning a god damn thing about this instrument I’ll dedicate my life to.”
Tremont’s girlfriend Rebecca Thomas was less enthusiastic about the plan, and was hoping at some point he might try to improve even just a little bit.
“I’m really not sure how much longer I can take this shit,” said Thomas while searching Amazon for noise-cancelling headphones. “He keeps coming up to me and saying he learned a new song, then proceeds to just dick around all over the neck without any clue what the fuck he’s doing. It’s really shaken my plans for the future, this isn’t a phase, he’s settling in and it’s never going to get better.”
King, who saw a short clip of Tremont playing, was immediately impressed.
“For a guy that’s only practiced for like 15 minutes he seems to have all the tools he needs, he sounded really good,” said King while dusting off his guitar which sat unused for several months despite being literally within reach of his spot on the couch. “He was shredding on ‘Raining Blood,’ so fast I could barely even make it out…or maybe it was ‘South of Heaven’? Whatever, it doesn’t fucking matter. If this guy approaches this with no plan, zero determination and absolutely no desire to practice, he could one day uselessly fuck around on the guitar for 40 years just like me.”
At press time, Tremont was suddenly inspired by Meg White to try his hand at fucking around on drums for 3o years or so.
