SAN FRANCISCO — A new music streaming app will take money directly from controversial artists so that users may listen to them with less financial guilt, sources from the company confirmed.
“The list of artists that good people find it irresponsible to listen to is ever growing, and unfortunately our analytics team told us there’s fewer bad people than we thought,” explained Chris Connelly, CEO of the app The Devil’s Radio. “So we built a totally new type of app with a revolutionary revenue system. We figured it could work if instead of giving Thom Yorke money per stream, we instead take it from him using a complex system of pulleys and other cat burgling tools. So far, we’ve gotten away with it except for one incident involving Chris Brown.”
Relieved music enthusiasts everywhere have been reacting to the news.
“Are you serious? I couldn’t be happier,” shared moral music listener Noelle Fiorelli. “I basically haven’t listened to music since gaining a conscience. I’d switch to podcasts, but that’s even more of a minefield of bad political takes and even worse personal lives. Do you know how many artists support Israel? My playlist of artists who don’t is 12 minutes long and I don’t even like 12 minutes’ worth of Dua Lipa songs. My playlists are about to be lit. Bring on the Gaga!”
An executive at Billboard shared insights into how this release will play out in the music industry.
“This is going to change everything about who’s getting listens,” said Grace Stearns. “Artists who are universally hated will get more play, but lose money. Artists who are polarizing, on the other hand, will gain some listens but lose others. For example, Michael Jackson will get a lot more play time in some households, and conversely his numbers will go down in households filled with people in severe denial. But it won’t be the most confusing time his estate has ever had.”
Movie studios are taking note of this innovation and are trying out something similar by making Tom Cruise attend movie screenings to hand out wads of cash.
