WHITE RIVER JUNCTION, Vt. — Baby boomers nationwide are reportedly accusing millennials of killing child beauty pageant star JonBenét Ramsey, sources confirm.
“Those entitled jerks ruin everything, it makes me so dang mad!” shared 68-year-old Wilford Russel. “First they killed napkins, then came the shopping malls — it only makes sense that they’re the ones responsible for killing that precious little girl! All they do is take, take, take and murder, murder, murder! I can’t use dryer sheets anymore because they think they’re above it! Apparently, they want their clothes to be as rough and mean as they are! Now because of them I won’t get to see what that pretty girl ended up looking like as a woman!”
An officer from the 1990 case shared his thoughts on the generation-wide accusation.
“I mean, it’s better than any of the bullshit theories we came up with,” said officer Lewis Muldon. “For one thing, we totally effed up in terms of preserving the scene. We let family members come and go, people traipsed all over the place, and we forgot to take pictures. Then, even though it’s a family member like 80% of the time, we let the family decide what we could see when. At least these boomers have a list of similar priors that millennials have committed. You know what, maybe we should reopen the case.”
Savannah Liberatore, a top sociologist specializing in generational trends, explained her expert take on the situation.
“Baby boomers are always interesting to study,” said Liberatore. “They’re somehow always mad despite spending their entire lives getting all the resources they’ve ever needed, and they’ve decided to turn their irrational anger towards their own children. They’re really the ones responsible for putting in place the economic situations that have caused millennials to forego, or ‘kill,’ things such as formal dress codes and the home ownership industry. So the constant ‘millennials killed this’ narrative from them is a bit rich, to put it mildly. They might be onto something with this one, though, considering it was clearly the millennial brother who did it.”
Reports are that boomers are now looking into how they can somehow blame the Zodiac killings on millennials, too.
