Democratic leaders are torn on what tactics to use in order to best not respond to last week’s Virginia Supreme Court ruling, which virtually guaranteed a GOP victory in a redistricting war that began earlier this year, sources within the DNC have confirmed.
“We could kneel in front of the Capitol steps in front of a pride flag or something,” said Rep. Nancy Pelosi (CA-11), who has emerged as an influential voice in the party, despite her decision to step down from leadership in 2023. “Oh, or maybe the rotunda. We got, like, a billion views or something when we did that during that one protest, right? If we earmark a few million dollars for a marketing campaign, they could probably photoshop some other flags and, like, the statue of liberty being handcuffed or something like that.”
Rep. Hakeem Jeffries (NY-8) has a very different vision for how Democrats can momentarily appear to step up at this historical crossroad.
“What we need now is real non-action. I’ll deliver a scathing ten-hour speech vaguely referencing how we need a return to normalcy in our government. We can get an absolute ton of cameras and have a bunch of other Democrats stand behind me and make mean faces when I talk about Republicans. Then, I’ll end it by talking about several political norms and unspoken rules that we’re the only ones decent enough to respect as we lose seats to undemocratic gerrymandering!”
Sen. John Fetterman (PA), sporting an “I speak fluent SARCASM” graphic t-shirt, offered his own take on the DNC’s non-future.
“The big thing we need to remember as this party prepares to respond to the moment is that I smell burning toast and my brain is all confused. Democrats go too far sometimes!”
In light of the redistricting, minority leader Chuck Schumer has renewed his pledge to call Trump a “taco” until such a time that he can retire with a semblance of dignity.
