PHILADELPHIA — Local man Derek Nolan reportedly renewed his gym membership Monday on the off-chance that he suddenly becomes a completely different fucking person, explaining that it’s important to be prepared in case he inexplicably turns into the kind of adult who takes basic care of themself, sources confirmed.
“I just think it’s smart to have it ready,” Nolan said while authorizing a recurring yearly charge for a facility he has not entered in nearly 18 months. “You never know when you might wake up one day with discipline, self-respect, and a genuine desire to do something other than sit in a dimly lit room eating Spicy Sweet Chili Doritos and scrolling through YouTube while rewatching season 1 of ‘The Pitt.’ And if that day comes, the last thing I want is for some silly logistical issue to stand in the way of the new me.”
Nolan’s friend Marcus Bell said the decision was a sensible precaution.
“It honestly makes total sense to have the membership in place ahead of time,” Bell said. “Because imagine how awful it would be to suddenly, for no clear reason, become consistent, motivated, physically active, and deeply committed to personal growth, only to realize you have nowhere to go. At that point you’d be scrambling to compare plans, tour facilities, and figure out parking, when you should really be focusing on your incredible overnight transformation into a man who enjoys waking up early and owns resistance bands. I just wish I had the motivation to be prepared that he has.”
Behavioral psychologist Dr. Rachel Kim explained that removing practical barriers can be critical to supporting these sudden, inexplicable changes in identity.
“Many people maintain gym memberships as infrastructure for the person they may one day instantly become,” Kim explained. “It’s a practical way of preparing for a sudden, complete shift in temperament, priorities, and daily habits. By taking care of the logistical side in advance, people ensure that when they abruptly become someone deeply committed to self-improvement, there’s nothing standing in their way. Having the monthly fee, key fob, and access to a squat rack already handled can make a sudden total reinvention much more achievable.”
At press time, Nolan was reportedly celebrating this first step in his new fitness journey by rewarding himself with delivery and deciding he would start going Monday.
