SAN DIEGO — A local man who recently returned from a two week vacation in Australia has brought back some of the country’s slang with him and is now referring to everyone endearingly as “cunt,” every friend, family member, and acquaintance have reported.
“Australia is crazy, did you know it’s winter there right now? Oh yeah, and everyone throws around the word ‘cunt’ like it’s nothing. Openly dropping one of the dirtiest swear words so casually was so liberating, I just had to bring it back stateside and normalize it like it ought to be,” said CJ Lewis. “I can tell by the horrified look on everyone’s faces, especially my mother’s, that a lot of people are uptight about using cunt as a pronoun. But lots of great ideas were dismissed at one point, like evolution and the internet. I think if I keep up my regimen of greeting everyone with it 20 times a day, it’ll catch on.”
Lewis’ friends were already exasperated with his new vocabulary.
“I could deal with his new Aussie mannerism like walking everywhere barefoot and only drinking shitty wine straight from a bag, but this whole thing with greeting everyone he comes in contact with as ‘cunt’ has gotta stop. Especially in public, because I’m pretty sure the waitress spit in our food last night,” said Robert Wilson. “Not gonna lie, CJ has a point about Australia being a lot less uptight than Americans, but maybe he should focus his energy on promoting other stuff from their culture like AFL and universal healthcare. He’s probably one ‘cunt’ away from getting knocked the fuck out.”
Linguistic experts noted it can be hard to transition back to one’s normal vernacular after traveling to a foreign country.
“After visiting any country for a few weeks it’s natural to pick up some of the dialect and idioms spoken by its citizens, and a lot of it doesn’t translate well in the United States because let’s face it, Australian swear words and phrases are way funnier,” said Dr. Veronica Davis. “But you can only say ‘cunt’ or ‘fuck me dead’ so many times before you start to upset people, so my recommendation is to visit non-English speaking countries and import some taboo words nobody will understand.”
As of press time, Lewis was called into the HR manager’s office at his job to explain what he meant by saying “dry as a dead dingo’s donger” in the break room.
