CLE ELUM, Wash. — Local man Vincent Yangford assured his wife that his sleep paralysis demon was a “pretty chill dude” once you got to know him, confirmed sources who’d prefer to take his word for it.
“He’s just like you and me, only he shows up when my body is legitimately paralyzed while my brain appropriately freaks out for a good 20 to 30 seconds,” said Yangford. “Sure, on paper he’s terrifying and doesn’t say much, but we can’t fault the slumbertime ghoul just because he’s a little socially awkward. Once you understand that he’s just a little shy and isn’t good at first impressions, you’ll see that he just wants to be friends, albeit at the worst possible time. I mean, would it kill him to show up when all my appendages function perfectly? Anyway, let’s give the guy a chance. Besides, it’s not like he’s ever severely harmed me, so how bad could the demon be?”
Longtime sleep paralysis demon, who goes by Kevin by his close friends, was glad that someone finally understood him for who he is.
“They always say that it’s hard to make friends as an adult sinister presence,” said the 37-year-old demon in between routine hauntings. “But I’ve been trying really hard to make connections. Believe me, I’ve done everything. I’ve tried standing motionless over people as they sleep, smirking at them from the corner of their bedroom at three in the morning, and even sitting on their chest while playfully choking them. I guess these people just don’t get my dark sense of humor. Well, at least Vincent does. We’re best friends now.”
Experts have long been intrigued by sleep paralysis and the demon that can occasionally accompany the phenomenon.
“Hard to believe but a lot of these shut-eye devils are kind of dicks in person,” said sleep specialist Louis Wayne. “You’d be hard pressed to find one who just wants to kick back and have a few beers with you while you can’t move a single muscle in your temporarily lifeless body. But they are out there. You just have to give them a chance. Once you see that they’re just like you and me, and need an emotional bond, you’ll soon come around to their malevolent force and you’ll be pickleball partners in no time.”
At press time, the sleep paralysis demon was seen asking Yangford if he wanted to grab a bite to eat at 3:30 a.m.
