CLEVELAND — Friend of local polycule Devin Dietrich admitted to feeling “left out” during platonic activities that don’t require seven participants, ethically non-monogamous sources confirmed.
“Me, Marnie, Jacob, Amina, and White Jacob have been really good friends since high school. But it was only after they all decided to go with each other to prom that I started to feel left out,” explained Dietrich. “Like yeah, being friends with a polycule was kinda different, but there was still plenty we could do together. But then, Marnie and WJ started hooking up with Geech and his partner, Mars Rover, and I can’t help but feel like a seventh wheel. Also, seriously, everybody wanted to fuck each other except me? Like, I’m not interested, but also, what did I do? I’m good-looking. I bathe.”
Polycule member Amina Guerra provided her perspective on Dietrich’s misgivings.
“Devin’s square peg status is never more apparent than on Wednesday nights, which is when we play other polycules in our intramural roller hockey league. Naturally Geech is the goalie because he’s got the pads, then the five us switch between defense, wing, and center. There’s just no room for a seventh player who’s not romantically linked with at least one of us,” said Guerra. “We’re not trying to leave him out, we just feel Devin doesn’t possess the emotional maturity to be a part of a polycule. He would get all jealous and insecure, instead of doing the healthy thing and stuffing those feelings deep inside and pretending they don’t exist.”
Relationship expert Todd Dart explained the difficult dynamic of polycules and outside acquaintances.
“As a polycule grows and becomes more insular, many forget about the collateral damage caused by non-monogamy. In particular, all the casual friends who just wanted to get a beer or play Mario Party without it becoming a cuddle puddle or a fight over who drank the last of the oat milk,” said Dart. “This is why I have proposed a completely new and original dynamic — the non-sexual polycule. This is a group of hinges and metas, but they do not engage in romantic or sexual activities. Instead they simply bond over shared interests and experiences, before returning to their own homes and relationships. And actually, this idea is totally different from a regular-ass friend group. So don’t call it that.”
At press time, Dietrich was left disappointed after receiving a phone call from the polycule; not to hang out, but instead requesting help after all six of their ponytails became tangled.
