WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump warned Cuba that if they didn’t immediately capitulate to all his demands, he would destroy the island by unleashing deadly US-style health care upon it, sources close to the White House reported.
“If Cuba doesn’t want to be obliterated like nobody’s been obliterated before, they will dump their loser commie government and hand over all their resources like those tasty papayas, beautiful nickel, and scrumptious cobalt,” said an unhinged Trump. “Otherwise, I’ll have to invoke the nuclear option and send an army of our top health care CEO’s down there to straighten everything out. Cuba’s a failed nation. They have no money, they have no oil, they have nothing. If they don’t smarten up, they’ll soon face imminent annihilation from high drug prices and unsustainable insurance premiums and deductibles that Americans know too well.”
Local Cuban Jose Diaz chimed in with his opinion on the threat.
“There’s only one thing my proud people fear more than American military might, and that’s their so-called health care system,” said the 70-year-old man who just returned from a doctor’s appointment without having to pay a penny. “We’ve heard horror stories from our relatives in the US about how many people die because they cannot afford simple medicine at an affordable price, because their wonderful capitalist system allows those companies to make billions while everyone else suffers. I’d much rather take our chances with their war machine, especially since they put that drunk pendejo from Fox News in charge.”
Political pundit Casey DeMieux pontificated how future US conflicts could capitalize on this.
“The US should definitely lean into this,” said DeMieux. “Instead of trying to bend the will of the world using its Apaches, Tomahawks, or fleet of advanced warships, it seems a much more effective strategy would be for America to intimidate its enemies by threatening to export classic American culture that the world would truly be horrified to see take root in their countries, like for-profit hospitals, the prison-industrial complex, or their unholy desire to put Flamin’ Hot Cheetos in a taco.”
At press time, an impatient Trump doubled down the rhetoric by suggesting he could also send Linda McMahon to Cuba to instill a US-style education system.
