So there I was, already late to my buddy’s house show because snipping all the plastic beer rings was taking forever. I thought to myself, “Hey, it’s a tough job, but somebody’s gotta keep the turtles from playing with them.” But as my hand started to cramp up, I had another thought. Which was “There’s gotta be a better way. Also, I’m kinda hungry.”
I guess that’s two thoughts. Anyway, I combined these two seemingly disjointed notions into one really good idea. Maybe even the most important idea in history.
So without hesitation, I started devouring the beer rings. It was tough at first, but after a few minutes, I didn’t mind all the blood coming from my gums. Plus, I could mostly breathe while swallowing. I’d say the turtles could learn a few anti-suffocation techniques from me, but pretty soon they won’t need to. Because everyone will be eating their packaging too.
Now, like all revolutionary ideas, the powers-that-be don’t care for mine. I learned this the hard way during a checkup, when my doctor said I needed to stop, and that he’s only ever had to extract cardboard from dogs before. Anyway, while he kept yammering on and on about internal bleeding, all I could think about was how Big Recycling had gotten to him. And that he was just a low-level bootlicker wrapped up in their criminal enterprise.
Now, I don’t know why the recycling barons are trying to silence me. But my working theory is that the entire operation is run by the mob, and their plan is to kill off 90% of all marine life. Thereby cornering the seafood market. That, or they’re all just jealous I thought of it first.
In conclusion, I didn’t know it was possible to feel this proud or have this much blood in your stool. But hey, nobody said being a visionary was easy. And while the price of my gastroenterologist visits has plunged me hopelessly into medical debt, you can’t put a price on saving the environment. Anyway, I’m just glad scientists can stop spending all that money trying to develop plastic-eating bacteria and start using those funds to make aluminum taste better.
