JAPAN — Former child animal star Moo Deng the hippo paid a visit to the Ichikawa City Zoo yesterday to offer internet sensation Punch The Monkey advice on navigating the pitfalls of overnight success, as well as a small amount of cocaine, zookeepers have confirmed.
“I could hardly believe my eyes!” recounted zookeeper Shiro Kamiko. “I said to my assistant, ‘Oh my God, is that Moo Deng?!’ and she said, ‘Who?’ She’s a bit younger than me, but I showed her a picture, and she sort of remembered her. Anyway, he just strolled right past us, hopped into the monkey enclosure, and approached Punch with a swagger that seemed to say ‘So, you’re the new kid on the block, huh?”
Footage of the meeting was shown to various animal language experts, including zoologist Agna Heinrich, who was able to shed some more detailed light on the animals’ discussion.
“Notice here, when Moo Deng chortles and raises his front left paw slightly… that’s hippo talk for ‘You may be hot shit right now, kid, but it can all go away in the blink of an eye. Trust me, I’ve been there.’ And now, here this little grunt and shake Moo Deng is doing, in the animal world, this means ‘Look, the whole schtick you got going with the stuffie and the rejection, it’s cute, it plays at the heart strings, but it’s gonna get old fast. You need to have your next move on deck before that happens, maybe get a girlfriend monkey, maybe become best friends with a golden retriever, something!’ And now see here where Moo Deng takes out a little vial of cocaine and does a bump, and then offers the vial to Punch? That’s her way of offering Punch some cocaine.”
A representative for Moo Deng offered the following statement to the media:
“As Deng’s celebrity status… winds down, she finds herself more interested in working behind the camera, so to speak. She has expressed interest in managing Punch’s career, and to my knowledge, the animals had a productive conversation. As for this alleged offer of cocaine, I’m sure it’s just a rumor that spun out of control, just like Moo Deng’s alleged instances of handler abuse, the luxury hotel suite she’s accused of destroying in Bangkok, and her on-again-off-again engagement to Ezra Miller.”
At press time, Moo Deng had barricaded herself in her hotel room, blasting Rush at full volume and claiming to be in the middle of writing “the best fucking screenplay ever.”
