CHICAGO — A local man’s decision to replace their rotting teeth with shiny white veneers backfired as they turned out to look way more disturbing than his natural smile, grossed out friends have reported.
“I did a shitty job taking care of my original teeth up until now, but I only got veneers so I wouldn’t look like some kind of halitosis demon when I smiled in public. And for a few minutes after the procedure I felt like a normal person again until people started cowering and running away. And that one guy was being a little dramatic when he pulled out a cross and started yelling at me in Latin, honestly,” said Troy Weathers. “Admittely they do look a little out of place the more I look in the mirror, like an alien put on my skiing and then 3D printed teeth. I wonder if it’s too late to get them taken out and replace them with some yellowed dentures? It might be more on brand for me.”
His friends were unanimous in their disapproval of his new look.
“He looks like Mr. Potato Head after rolling down the uncanny valley. When Troy’s mouth looked like Shane MacGowan’s, he at least had personality. Now he looks more like a haunted doll that wished to come to life, or some kind of prototype android a scientist hasn’t gotten just right,” said Caitlin Connors. “I can’t even look him in the face without gagging. So what if he was missing half his teeth before, his mouth told a story of bar fights, cheap beer, and intermittent brushing. Better his mouth look like a gutter than a toilet seat.”
Weathers’ veneer technician admitted the process was not without its flaws.
“This industry has a lot of ‘gray areas’ when it comes to ethics. So if people want to take the easy route to whiter teeth I’ll do it, no questions asked. But there’s something like an 80% chance patients will come out of the procedure looking like one of those cartoonish boardwalk caricatures or the bad guy from ‘Poltergeist II,’” said technician Gary Thompson. “If folks want to pay me to install the equivalent of halogen headlights in their mouth, who am I to tell them how to spend their money?”
As of press time, Weathers began ripping out his veneers with pliers after receiving offers from multiple traveling circus freak shows.
