HOLDEN, Mass. — A local fan of popular online personality SpaghettiBurger says she’s prepared to advance her fandom to a more serious level, sources confirm.
“I’m SpaghettiBurger’s biggest fan,” stated Rebecca Flynn, covered head-to-toe in SpaghettiBurger swag. “I watch him for hours every day. I go to sleep with his voice in my earbuds. Obviously, I’m just one of his millions of followers, but I really think he and I would have something special if we were to meet. Sometimes I swear he winks after he reads one of my comments, and I’m pretty sure it’s a signal just for me saying, ‘You’re not like these other slobs in chat, you’re special.’”
Flynn’s mother says while she is a bit concerned over her daughter’s preoccupation with the entertainer, she also knows what it’s like to have a fixation on a celebrity.
“Young women have always developed crushes on celebrities. I had it pretty bad for Joey Fatone from NSYNC when I was younger,” mused Janet Flynn. “I covered my entire room with pictures of Joey that I tore out of teen magazines. This is embarrassing, but one time I actually found out what hotel NSYNC were staying at when they were on tour, and I managed to get into Joey’s room to wait for him. You should’ve seen his face when he came back to find me on his bed with a bottle of vodka and a pair of handcuffs!”
Mark Deitch, the man behind SpaghettiBurger, says he makes a very good living from his fans’ unhealthy attachment.
“I’m super grateful for my millions of fans, the vast majority of which are totally chill. They’re the reason I can afford this lifestyle,” said the streamer from his Malibu beachfront mansion. “Some of them do take it a little too far, though. I’ve cultivated a maniacally dedicated fanbase by appearing to be relatable and approachable, but that doesn’t mean I actually want to be approached. I had to bring on a full-time security team to keep the real nutters away. Just last week they caught a young woman dressed in a full ghillie suit creeping through my topiary garden.”
At press time, Flynn had purchased tickets for a meet and greet with SpaghettiBurger at the next TwitchCon, with plans to surreptitiously clip a lock of his hair to use in a love spell she saw on Reddit.
